Fantasy:

How 'til speak Ulster

Greeting humans,

as you may know, I have been around for a long time. I have see the rise and fall of empires throughout the centuries, and I remember the dialects of them all. Latin, Pictish, even Elvish(yes, they were real too).

Which brings me to the subject in the title. Ulster is a land that straddles the top part of the Emerald Isle of Ireland, encompassing Donegal and the counties of Northern Ireland. Across this small area there is a huge variation in local speech, but it's only when I came to Belfast that I was truly stumped.

For months, I had no idea what people here were saying, until Colin very kindly suggested the translation program below.

All I can say is, thank goodness he didn't stick completely true to the local dialect, when writing his books. He'd do very well as a novelty book, but I doubt most of the English speaking world would understand a word.

If you don't believer me, listen to the link.

Belfast translation

This just about sums up my day so far.

Please stop!

Ok, here's how it goes.

I'm a dragon. I'm big, scary and breathe fire, even though it gives me heartburn.

I will ask you lot once, then I'm gonna come round, and never mind the big, bad wolf... I WILL burn your house down.

STOP buying Colin's books! I'm not even halfway through packing. I know all about his release next month. I thought I had time, but now you're all buying...oh, sorry, apparently the correct term is 'downloading,' his free prequel.

Here's the rub. I like the book. It has dragons! It even has Greens, though, as it's set thousands of years ago, I doubt they're Welsh.

Origins of the Never

Apparently it's also free, whatever that means. I normally just take what I want. Being a dragon, I can do that, but you squishies can't, obviously.

But please, give me a chance to pack. My portraits of Atlantean architecture won't even hang straight. Don't swell his head any more, I beg you.

Take pity on me, and I won't turn your houses to ash...deal?

Who doesn't love a little Horror?

It seems I have neglected a large number of you fleshy beings.

For some reason you have a need to read material that scares you. You are very odd people, do you realise that?

Anyway, while I don't understand it, I can cater to your needs. Behold a magnificent collection which will scare you out of your pink skins.

Authors' Cave eZine

A Science Fiction bonanza

I love a bit of sci-fi, whether it's a space opera romp, or pure, hard physics, I often lose myself within the pages of some of the greats like David Weber or Doug Dandridge.

So, imagine my delight when Colin's little group of human friends put this collection of sci-fi novels together, within this eZine (between you and I, I had to look up what and eZine was).

Authors Cave Science Fiction eZine

Battening down the hatches

Hello humans, especially you females.

I would dearly love to stay and entertain your fantasies about how we might...enjoy, each other's company. Unfortunately I have some pressing business.

I need to move out of Colin's head.

Don't panic! It's a temporary measure, just until he realises that his latest attempt to take the book world by storm is destined to failure.

He has another silly little book coming out at the end of March. Ok, Worlds of the Never looks good on paper(pardon the pun), and has dragons and magic re entering this mundane universe of yours, but are there any Welsh Greens? No, there aren't! He satisfies the masses needs, by writing about the pompous Golds and Silvers.

So, I have to vacate for a few weeks, taking my fine Ming dynasty china with me. Otherwise his swelling head will destroy the lot. I hope you enjoy it. I know I won't. Although New Zealand is lovely this time of year.

I wonder if Peter Jackson is still there? I need to talk to him about his portrayal of dragon behaviour. You humans get it so wrong sometimes